Panic

Wild like deer, we run from threats.  Frantic and terrified we scatter and flee.  Panicked in the face of our own mortality, we hide from this truth.

Most of the time we feel mildly safe.  Then something happens to unbalance our equilibrium.  We feel frightened and in danger.  Most of the time the danger is only in our mind.

Rarely do we face a life or death situation. 

Oh, we face unsettling, disagreeable moments all the time, but they are merely uncomfortable - not life threatening.  Confronted with annoyances, large and small, we react with alarm - unaware that this is what we are doing.

Our mind jumps in and explains, justifies and creates a story to backup our reactions.

Our mind does this to ‘protect’ us from pain.  Unfortunately, this protection creates suffering and the suffering leads to frenzy and addiction.

Our panic is hidden behind socially acceptable behaviors.  Our panic is hidden behind our socially acceptable addictions.  Our addictions - to talking, to a few drinks, to lots of junk food, to technology, to our stories, to our habits - are an attempt to comfort our dread.  Our panic when we touch the truth of our fragility, our death, leads to a living death.

When we do the same thing over and over hoping we will get a different result, it coms from panic.

When we avoid distress with self defeating behaviors, it comes from panic.

When we try to change another because we do not like their actions, it comes from panic.

When we try to escape the present moment, it comes from panic.

Wild like deer we avoid our panic.  Yet, we are not wild like deer.  

We have the ability to jump in and be with our dread without reacting to it.  In this moment of panic, we can find clarity, if we sit with what is.  

If we feel the discomfort, we can calm it.

If we feel the dread, we can calm it.

If we feel the panic, we can let it move through us, it will pass.

Being in the panic, being with the truth of our fragility - we learn to comfort ourselves and experience our distress without reacting to it.  

Now don’t panic - learning to live with our fears is a beautifully difficult and uncomfortable process.  It is a process.  It takes lots of practice to learn to live with the panic and displeasure.

Enjoy practicing next time the panic arises.  For it will.

This, being fully present to all that arises, is the path to peace.

Steps

I recently amputated my ponytail.

It had been part of my life for over 10 years.  10 years of the appendage dangling from the back of my head - serving no purpose.  9 of those years I never questioned my growth.  The last year I spent summoning the courage to heed the advice of my heart and lop it off.

I obsessively stared at women with short hair.  I bordered on stalking those with the courage to wear their hair differently than the uniform of long locks.  I wondered what gave them the confidence to strut around with super short hair.  I especially admired those women with a buzz like cut.  Drooling over the freedom they must feel.

I craved the freedom, but I feared how I would look without the growth on the back of my head.  What would people think of me? Would I like how I look?  Would others like how I look? Would the haircut be a butchered mess?  What criticism would I face? Would men find me attractive?  Would I be an outcast if I was no longer part of the long locks club?

One hot Summer day (thank you universe for the sweltering heat) I made the appointment.  I could no longer stand the weight of long dangling strands.  The appointment was over 2 weeks away.  As the date loomed, I internally smiled at the women with short hair, knowing I too would be free.

Then all of a sudden the date was only 2 days away.  I was certain this was a mistake.  I thought of all the logical reasons to cancel the scheduled ponytail amputation.  My child was going to be sick.  My husband was going to be traveling.  These excuses weren't true, but I am a master of making excuses sound believable to avoid my own fear.

My fear of what the stylist would think of me was the only reason I kept the appointment.  I didn't want her to think poorly of me for cancelling.  Or maybe on some very hidden level, I couldn't go on worrying what others think of me.

The day was here.  I took the step.  I cut my hair. 

Guess what? I survived this step of authenticity.

I survived this step of courage.

I survived this step of announcing to the world, this is me.

I am a girl that likes short hair.  I am.

This is me.  I love my short hair.

Oh, what freedom I feel knowing I can step out of my comfort zone and find a greater safety.

Ouch

Life hurts.  As children, we do not have the ability to comprehend why life hurts so we begin the process of avoiding our pain.  Most of us age without developing the skill of sitting with our injuries.   We all regularly experience loss, rejection, sadness, disappointment and change, and often before lunch time.

We spend much of our energy running from this truth.  We eat, we gossip, we plan, we blame, we stare at screens and most damagingly, we create distance between ourself and others - all to avoid the ache within.

What if as children, young adults or even as older adults we learned to feel our torment.  For living with discomfort is a skill we must practice.  It does not come naturally to sit with our emotional or physical wounds.  We must train our mind to stay when it wants to run away.

It is instinctual to seek comfort from that which distresses us.  We must work hard to redirect this instinct. Or better said, we must work to remind our mind that our heart and soul can handle hurt.

When we meet the pain of rejection, the ache of loss, the searing pain of life we connect to the deepest part of ourself.  The part of ourself that knows we can handle life's hurts and grow stronger from them.

When we cry, moan, and crumble under the weight of heartache, we come to know joy.  Within our our full human experience of ache and fulfillment, we find peace.

May we purposefully train ourselves to fully feel the agony of living.  Pain is the pathway to peace.

If we spend the rest of days, honing the skill of sitting with our pain, it would be a life well lived.   In our hurt, we find the light of love and compassion for our self and others.

Love blossoms from sorrow.  May we sit with our sorrow and watch love bloom.

Like Me

"Like me, like me, like me."  I want you to like me.  I will do just about anything to try and control your liking of me.  For fear of what will happen if you do not like me, I ignore me.

I say "yes" to you and "no" to me.  I tolerate what I find unacceptable.  I give more than is desirable.  I comply with your wishes in hopes that you will like me.

"Like me, like me, like me."

"Oh please won't you like me."

My safety and security hang on the verdict of whether or not you like me.  If you don't like me, what does that mean about me?  If you don't like me, I must be less than okay, right?  If you don't like me, I will do just about anything to try and change your mind.

And then I stop to ponder - "Do I like me?"

I do like me.

I do.

I like me.

Choices

When we change something we do every day, we activate cells of growth.  As all change does, it will require grieving.  The death of old choices, that have served their time, brings sadness and gladness.

Sadly, we are wired to cling to the familiar.  As we release the known, a wound opens, raw and real.  We must allow ourselves to feel the pain of this discharge.  We must feel the ache of saying goodbye to what worked for so long.  We must let a part of ourself die.  We must feel the gut wrenching misery of loss.  It will be excruciating.

On the other side of this pain is an unfathomable joy.  A freedom like to other.  To know that we are strong enough to go through the fire and come out refined, is one of life's greatest gifts.

This process of evolution is our life's work if we choose it.  This evolution can start with simple changes.   The reward for changing something we do everyday is a gladness heretofore not known.  For we know not what we do, until we choose change our daily choices.

Pain

We try to avoid it.  We blame it for our discomfort.  We judge it as bad.  Yet, it is part of life.  Pain is supposed to be here.

When we are faced the uncomfortable, we know we need to change.  Too often we try to change the outside forces, instead of looking within to find freedom.

So, the pain keeps coming back again and again.  We keep making the same gaffes with our kids, with our spouse, with our boss.  We keep repeating patterns that hurt us.  We keep doing those very things that keep us from our goals. 

Why?

We are not looking within to resolve the pain of life.  We are not letting the pain pass through us.  We have underdeveloped coping skills.  We try to avoid the pain.  We try to ignore the pain.  We try to hide behind activities and escapes.

The next time you feel uncomfortable, no matter how big or small the situation, sit with the discomfort.  Just sit with it.  Don't talk to cover it up.  Don't get busy to cover it up. Don't pick up a device to cover it up.  Let the discomfort run its course through your life.

The incredible gifts you will receive from these moments of extreme dis-ease are peace and freedom.  In time, your life will feel immeasurably more blissful without repetitive patterns of unresolved pain.  You must feel the ache to be free from the ache.

Light

Living in the light of love is terrifying.  Hiding under the cloak of darkness is like returning to the womb.  It is safe.  It is hidden.  It is connected.  It is known.   It is warm.  Most importantly, it is limiting, for the womb shunts our growth.

Yet, we return to the dark, limiting comfort of the familiar time and time again.  Like a newborn gasping for air, we scream for all we have known.

When thrust into reality we recoil with discomfort.  The truth of reality shines light onto that which we wish we could hide.  That is until, we courageously face the light.  After the initial blinding, we are warmed by the embrace of the exotic.  We are comforted by the love of truth.  We see that we are safe despite the unfamiliar territory.

Like the newborn suckling the mother’s breast.  We are warmed by the foreign embrace of love.  We are held in the arms of the infinite universe.  For the universe wants what is best for us.  The universe desperately seeks to help us grow.

Life gives us continuous opportunities to stretch into the unknown.  These instances of leaving our place of warmth are disguised as obstacles and are excruciating uncomfortable, at first. 

After the first few tentative steps, we courageously learn we can walk among unexplored land..  We learn that living in the light of love is terrifyingly liberating.  It is worth the effort and the courage it takes to take those first steps.